Narcissists Don’t Want Unconditional Love



35 thoughts on “Narcissists Don’t Want Unconditional Love

  1. Interestingly enough, my Narcissist used the theme of “unconditional love” as a way to basically get away with any and everything. If I didn’t like something he was doing, if I critiqued him even the slightest, I wasn’t being unconditional and needed to work on myself to give him the love he deserved!!

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    • that’s it! in a nutshell.. they try to make you feel bad and guilty for not being a loving parent!! but they are NOT YOUR child!!! its insidious.
      unconditional? well nope sorry! I learned to cut them off and say nope I do not love you at ALL
      they need to learn what they EARN
      theyre the least and last people on earth who can teach anyone how to love. its sickeningly ironic.
      maybe your child deserves unconditional love
      not someone..someone else raised…
      if they had a bad mother (such as in the case with my ex narc) and she couldn’t love him and I had the ability to love, he seemed to think I was supposed to?
      I still have no idea,as heart and mind do not meet up in narcs..totally missed wired
      and even he said that! (years later) but even in that MESS of a statement(that his heart and mind do not match) he could still ‘narc’ in it!
      I thought his statement was a breakthrough
      he needed serious deflation. and that’s not pleasant either. not like we enjoy it!
      therefore I learned that I am not giving birth to these people, spiritually or in the flesh
      we didn’t in the flesh clearly
      they seemed to think we will otherwise
      its too much work
      it would be lovely if sincere
      but its a mockery of your effort instead

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      • I must say, I cannot think of anything else to add to your comment, but that you are absolutely right! They do blame others for their behaviours, and expect their partners to mother them (vice versa for women). I think you were right to cut them off. It is imperative to do so to save your sanity. I simply do not participate; if whomever wants to act like a jerk, they can do so in their own time, not mine.


    • yep. mine actually traumatized me by attacking me 5 am in my own apartment. he broke in. and I hadn’t ONCE laid eyes on him in over 5 years prior and that was beyond unexpected. I was shaking for weeks and months afterwards and have ptsd now years later.. so he yet AGAIN RUINED MY LIFE. I have barely been able to keep a job after that… the anger I feel..knowing that any anger expressed again him is a LOST cause… means I turn it inward…. and I have been struggling now for years with this.
      well there is a restraining order that he broke even through email contact.. but even in the emails he is incredulous that I wont have coffee with him or talk to him
      im a shaking mess of a shell of a person,broken and dying it feels
      and he wonders why I wont have coffee with him
      and blames me for it… and says I deserve attack as its suspicious that I wont have coffee with him!!!
      it never ends
      until their DEATH. and they sense that too and they get dangerous as they REFUSE to accept you want nothing to do with them!
      have coffee with him?! I used to look out my window and if I saw anyone that remotely resembled him I used to shake and grab my jacket and run out of the building! ive called the cops as false alarm twice..terrified he was coming to kill me
      what would we talk about? how that’s my fault too
      they want to CHANGE you.
      its like “since I cant love you,ill be your captive and sit here with you and turn into you…”
      out of fear we sometimes seem to agree (Stockholm syndrome or something)
      he even said I was not my self… (for acting like a stranger) their actions are blatant BOMBS in your life
      yet youre acting weird for staying away. they think you have no self or feelings at all just because they don’t? and theyre jealous if you still do?
      yet demand it.. which is the whole irony of the narc.
      I will show you what a narc is. I saw this the other day and I havent been able to shake it.
      please reject this happening as a survival tactic of the narc, I know this is just biology but for us who have been victims this will give you a creepy feeling. its a last ditch effort of a narc ,who will stop at nothing. can you think of a worse thing happening to you than this?


      • Good Lord, really?! See, they hate when victims/survivors move on. They will continue to pop up out of nowhere, constantly trying to to ruin your life. Reminding you that they are still able to torture you. SMH… I hope you are OK. Love and hugs.


      • I am sorry for the delay in responding. Every so often, I have to look through messages I have missed, or which have gone to trash for some bizarre reason.
        I felt every word you wrote. Have you been to see a counsellor? It sounds like you really need to talk to someone about your situation in detail. You may want to try starting a blog to air your experiences. You can remain anonymous if you like. I can’t believe people would say something like that to you. Unfortunately, more often than not, victims are blamed for abuse endured. It’s outrageous. Please send me an email if you would like me to do some research for you at


  2. True. They want complete freedom to manipulate to fit their made up reality. Anything less than that is outright betrayal. You must give them 110% loyalty but they can (and will) say whatever they want about you behind your back…

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  3. my very first thought that popped in my head with “they don’t want unconditional love” is that unconditional denotes..the “sinner” and the imperfections.. it means you are loved as an IMperfect being and WITH your flaws and also they seem frustrated that they are not perfect/cant be viewed as imperfect or even aware that they are imperfect but strive towards perfection and hate anyone who will “keep them” in the “sinner” spot or flawed spot with some do stay in unconditional love forever flawed. (on the flip side) I am a Christian and I also dealt with a severely narc ex.. so I experienced both… I think he hated the “awwww/pity” kind of “Christian” love “come as you are” turned him off and angered him.. he wanted perfecttion or to move on from “forgiveness” type of love. yet talk about straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel! he was in need of unconditional love more than anyone. so he couldn’t be in the “now” I feel narcs are as beings who SEEM to have been in heaven! or a” perfect place” and then “fell”
    nothing will replace the fact they were already “there” and just want back pronto with no work involved…


    • Thank you for your comment. I am sorry for your experiences, and am glad to see you say “narc ex”. Staying with them will never get better, and I truly wish you well along your Healing Journey. Chin up. Stay strong. Hugs.


  4. This interested a lot as my narcissistic ex used to argue with me all the time that there could not possibly be something such as unconditional love. I never understood why he felt this way and this explains it.


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