On This Day Three Years Ago

I was reminded of this post on Facebook this morning. On this day, three years ago I wrote:

Sorry, this is a long but meaningful post…
A year ago today, the exact time (Eastern Time), stood in Aldi with just the clothes on my back (to include broken footwear) with my 5 day old son, to do some Christmas food shopping. I had $11 (approximately £8) in total. There was no Christmas Tree. No presents. No food. Just a small, cramped, draughty, mould infested room that we were due to get kicked out of 4 days before Christmas if rent money wasn’t found.
Just the day before, I was handed 2 cannisters of formula from a paediatrician for free because she could see the state I was in. I couldn’t say anything because I was so ashamed that I was put in such a situation by someone else. I suppose as a mother herself, she could sense something was wrong. I cried. Max had food for at least 2 weeks. Bearing in mind just a day earlier at just 3 days old, my son had run out of formula Wellstar Kennestone Hospital had kindly given me, knowing I was in need.
I found a way to get formula. Thank God for Babies “R” Us taking international payments online, otherwise Max would have gone hungry as I didn’t have my credit card on me. I’d spoken to my mother a few months earlier who gave me my credit card details to write down in case of an emergency. I refused to tell her, the rest of my family and my friends what was going on.
All this suffering and pain caused by Max’s father because he’s selfish and only thought about himself. Cigars, cigarettes and junk food for him were more important than making sure his son was fed, and had a roof over his head – despite the amount of money we initially had. It was all gone due to his reckless spending. His behaviour was shabby to say the least. That’s putting it mildly. This is just a “taste” of what I experienced out in the US with him. I walked away from him and have never looked back.
However, I have forgiven him – not just because God says I have to, but so I can find peace within myself. I don’t want Max growing up seeing me bitter and twisted. I will never forget though. Ever.
This year Max is so spoilt! No where near going hungry or homeless because of an irresponsible father. In fact, he has a Christmas Tree, food in abundance, no mould and Christmas will be celebrated as I know it. The roof is permanent for as long as I need/want it.
I only want 2 presents this year and I already have them. 1) My son Maximus and 2) the knowledge that he will never remember the poverty he was unnecessarily born into. The cost? Priceless. The best things in life are free.
If I don’t get a chance to post a status closer to Christmas, have a blessed one all. Sending love from Max and I.♡X♡X

As time has gone by, even though I am not where I thought I would be, I look back and realise things could be a lot worse. Just like they were back then.

I am thankful I am no longer in such a situation, but more so, I am thankful that my little boy does not know the poverty he was unnecessarily born into, by the actions of someone who should have known better. Someone who was supposed to make sure he was provided for, rather than just thinking about himself. I cannot fathom how someone could/can behave in such a way, and think it’s OK.

Well, it is not OK. But fortunately, my son knows he can rely on at least one person… me, his mother.

#whyIstayed

“I hope this is helpful to anyone out there struggling with understanding why someone would stay in abusive relationship. Its complicated, its messy, and unfortunately it is one of those things that unless you have experienced it on some level… it is really difficult to grasp”. ~ Divorcing a Narcissist Blog

Divorcing a Narcissist Blog

I came across someone on Twitter who is doing some research on narcissistic abuse and struggling with understanding why victims of narcissistic abuse stay in the abusive relationships. I reached out and recommended that they read the #whyIstayed hashtag where victims in all types of abusive relationships summarize the reasons why they stayed… and I also recommended that they read this blog. The researcher reached out to me still having a lot of confusion on the topic and asked me outright… why did it take 8 years for you to leave?!?

It’s actually a little surprising to me how complex this question is to answer, and I think that reflects the complexity within an abusive relationship. There are so many layers to why I stayed, and that is because there are so many layers to the manipulation and abuse that I withstood at the hands of The Narcissist.

So, in an…

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Who’s to Say

By the wonderful Amy, an amazing woman.

Picking Up the Pieces

Who’s to say

it wasn’t so bad

except he who hasn’t lived it –

the thunderous debasement and shuddering jolts

jetting from his lips,

rocketing through the tense fog buffering the air between

on a mission

programmed to pierce through the heart

proficiently

stealthily

mercilessly through flesh with a verbal sword

sharpened by hate and coated with poisonous barbs

who’s to say

I could have stopped him

except he who hasn’t been on the losing side

of a battle with the devil no one is ever equipped to win –

the cataclysmic aftershocks and shock waves

falling from his fists like sledgehammers

against my skull

emitting blinding flashes of light before my eyes

and heaving me down

reeling

spinning

drowning into the tumult –

jack hammers on fire

tearing through flesh

searing the bone

with an inferno of pain

who’s to say

I was free to leave at any time

except…

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Recently, I’ve Been Thinking

Recently, I’ve been thinking about all the pain and suffering (my son and) I endured from my relationship with my abusive ex-husband.

Physically. Emotionally. Financially. Mentally. Verbally. Sexually.

Lies. Manipulation. Blame shifting. Gas lighting. Isolation. Control. Threats.

The murders of my kittens/cats.

This weekend will be three years ago that I returned to the UK with my son, with his father’s permission. He had said he would follow, (I needed to get a job and somewhere for us to live), as he liked the idea of not paying for medical. He also said, it would mean he could get ‘lost’ in the UK, so he would not have to pay child support to his daughter in Montana. I hoped and prayed he would not follow, but deep down, knew he wouldn’t. Ultimately, it was down to him to decide for himself. Thank God, he didn’t. As well as the abuse, his mask had fallen off, and I had already called him out on a number of things.

On March 12th 2013, with our then twelve week old son, my abusive ex-husband drove us to the airport, with a one way ticket (upon his suggestion) to the UK. Apart from the birth of my son, during our entire relationship, this would be the best day ever. I landed in the UK the next day on March 13th, due to the time difference.

On May 26th 2013, I returned to the US for just shy of a week, without my son, as his father had left our bank accounts negative, and there was no money for food nor accommodation. I could not risk sleeping on the street with my baby, so followed my gut instincts and went alone. He had made sure his girlfriend had moved into the extended stay where we were living on May 25th – the day before my arrival. It was about a week prior to my return to try to collect as many of my belongings as possible, that a friend came through for me. I was able to have a roof over my head and was fed and watered for free. I boarded my flight on May 31st, and landed back in the UK on June 1st 2013.

Instead of leaving money in the bank accounts as we has agreed (my intention was to bring our son with me so his father could see him, which my ex-husband was fully aware of), he went on a spending spree with his girlfriend, leaving nothing for his children. He told me that I had a cheek for not letting him have a life, when all I did, was to ask him for some financial help with our son. He furthered his point, by telling me that he will no longer be taken advantage of.

Despite everything, I had still tried to make this individual a part of his son’s life, but he was not interested. This was even when I was undecided, as to whether or not I was doing the right thing. This individual is abusive, and shouted in his then ten week old son’s face, because our son probably had an upset tummy. The crying was keeping him awake you see, so a character like my ex-husband, would of course, blame anyone for his horrendous behaviour – except himself. Even a defenceless baby. However, if he had wanted to communicate with his son via Skype (for example), I would not have had a problem with that. In fact, I had tried this, but he was still not interested.

One cannot force another to do the right thing.

So, what did I do about the situation? I dragged myself up, dusted myself off as best as I could, and through tears, sweat, blood, pain, and with scars and bruises, I shifted from being an abused first time mother, to a mother and father standing firm for the sake of my son. My little boy has gone from strength to strength. He is a happy, but feisty character! Thriving in his pre-school, he is picking up Spanish well, but thinks he can ‘back chat’ me, thinking I will not understand. (Well played my Little Yum Yum, but rest assured, I am learning the language too!).

Although is is always nice for a child/children to have both parents, sometimes, one parent may not take an interest, or may not want to be a part of their life/lives. It is the other parent’s loss, not the child’s. Sometimes, it works in the child’s favour not being around the other parent, as he or she is abusive. Hopefully, this allows for the domestic abuse cycle to be broken.

I started this blog to embark on my healing journey. When I look back on some of the posts, I can see that I was a real amateur! Not that I am saying I am now a professional writer now, I am just trying to say at the time, I was not able to express myself properly nor in detail. I would ‘water down’ what I was writing about, because it was too painful at the time to relive. But I am sure, one can make out what I was trying to say at the time, when I was suffering immensely, trying to put what was in my head in text format.

Thank you all for following my blog and reading my posts – as random as they can be at times! Please allow me to apologise again, for not being able to keep up with your posts recently. I have had a lot on my mind, and have been trying to do too much at once. On the upside, I have finally gotten rid of the cold/acute sinusitis I had for little over eight weeks.

I hope all is well for you folks.

Much love. ❤

What’s Been Going on?

Hello my WP family!

I hope you are all well.

So, what has been going on in the world of Persia? The last time I posted about myself, I had Acute Sinusitis. After taking meds, I am still in the sixth week of this cold! What the hell?! At least the pain in my head is bearable, and the pain in my face has gone. I can function better now.

Also, after applying for a divorce back in the beginning of October 2014 in England, UK, it was granted last year, and has been finalised. I am so relieved to be FREE!!!!!!! My son’s father has not made any attempts to contact his son for twelve months or more, therefore, under English Law, I am the full custodial parent. In fact, it has been almost three years since contact was made between he and I, bearing in mind, Max is three years old. That’s my son’s entire life. This is despite him having my UK mobile/cell number and my Hotmail email address – both of which I will have had for sixteen years this year, and still continue to use. He managed to call my UK mobile/cell, trying to rub my face in the fact he had entered another relationship, telling me to fight his girlfriend for him (as if I was going to do that. He’s no prize, I can assure you), but could not call to see how his son was/is doing over the years.

My ex husband was nowhere to be found to serve him the divorce papers. He had disconnected his cell number, moved out of the extended stay hotel we lived in (he moved his girlfriend in with mine and my newborn’s things still in the studio, and she happily accepted), the storage unit had been emptied and the account closed. I was unable to contact him, but this was and is the norm for him. He did not want anyone to know where we were, so liked to move and change his details frequently. I remember when we moved from Savannah, Georgia, eventually moving to Marietta, GA, he refused to tell Montana Child Support where he was at the end of 2012, so he could avoid paying support to his daughter. I was the one who wrote a letter by hand, and posted it to them, telling them where we were. This is the same daughter who is nine years old, but has only seen her father three times in her life. And the third time was because I was with him, and told him he should take time out to be in his child’s life (Max had not been conceived yet). It was I who arranged the trip for him to see her in December 2011.

It was I, who made sure that he sent her birthday and Christmas presents. The last time I heard, since he and I have gone our separate ways, his daughter has received nothing from him. Says a lot, huh? Yet he has had a third child, by a third ‘woman’. The girlfriend who participated in slagging me off, has another child by another man, whom she does not live with, (she was caught shoplifting whilst pregnant, so this is probably why she does not live with her), and from my ex, for which I have written evidence (2013), states that she does not support. They have four children between them, by different mothers and fathers.  All by the age of twenty-seven for him, and twenty-three for her.

I guess it is what it is, and to be honest, Max is getting along just fine. He is developing extremely well – to include being feisty! He is enjoying his new pre-school and learning a new language, Spanish. As soon as he walks in, he shouts “Hola!” to the staff. When I collected him earlier this week, she said “Mummy, nursery mañana”, telling me he has nursery tomorrow! It is too cute, and I am one proud mummy.

My son has settled well in the UK, so the fact that his father has no interest in him, works in my favour. The fact that my ex husband suggested I book a one way ticket to the UK with our son (in the US, both parents have to sign for a minor’s passport), and he would follow, but didn’t, worked in my favour too, as he is a very abusive individual. Very abusive indeed. I actually knew he wouldn’t follow, as he did not want the responsibility of Max, thus I escaped legally and with his permission, from my abuser. The fact that he had the booking/flight details works in my favour. The fact that he drove us to the airport to see us off knowing where we were going, works in my favour.

I recently came across messages between he and I in the first half of 2013. He refused to help financially with his son, said that someone tried to steal his wallet, tried to break into his car, and a bunch of other lies as to why he could not help me financially, and how he wanted to be free. Not once did he say I had to return our son. Not once did he say I had run off with him. In fact, at one point, I said that I was not happy, because I was a grown woman with a child, who had to return to the UK to live with her mother because I was broke. He said he knew, and that it was all his fault.

I also found a message whereby I had asked him for a divorce in 2012, for which he refused. He had actually stated that he would never grant me a divorce, and would continue to make my life hell.

As time went on, he had no idea how Max was being fed or clothed, nor was he bothered. Instead, he and his girlfriend were eating out, he was taking her to Regal Nail shop, purchasing female clothing – all of which I could see, as it was happening in our joint bank accounts, sending them negative. But there was no money for our son. I pleaded with him to stop, but he did not. I have copies of bank statements to prove this. Then, no doubt trying to impress his girlfriend, blamed me for him having no money, because I had to physically go back to the US in 2013 to close the bank accounts, as he ruined my credit. In actual fact, he was just a broke ass deadbeat, who couldn’t be bothered to work, so used me as a scapegoat to get his girlfriend to pay the rent.

In addition to all of this, it was not I who declared that I had met someone else (23rd April 2013), a mere forty-two days after our son and I had returned to the UK (12th March 2013). It was in fact my ex. Max was just four months old. Then, fifty days after our return, (eight days after him meeting this person), it was declared that they were in relationship (1st May 2013). Six weeks after they got together, they were engaged, whilst he was still legally married to me. He proposed to me just four weeks after he and I started dating. However, the relationship status changed and stated, that they were engaged on 1st May 2013. He had money to buy an engagement ring, but no money to help to support his son. One can clearly see where his priorities lie.

I am glad I came across these messages, as never one to bad mouth my ex in front of him, Max will ask about his father one day. At that point, I still will not bad mouth him, but will simply say his father and I did not work out. If he persists, at an age where he can understand, I will show my son the messages where I had asked his father to be in his life but he instead, wanted to “have a life”, so Max can make up his own mind. Whatever went on between my ex and I will stay that way; Max does not need to know his father almost killed me through suffocation with a pillow over my face, when I was pregnant with him. Nor does he need to know that his father tried to do the same again in front of him when he was a newborn, lying in his crib, as well as his father trying to strangle me to death, to the point it hurt to swallow my saliva and there was a clicking noise in my neck. Not to mention him dislocating my knee, for which neither I was allowed to go to the hospital for.

On another note, 2015 was a little rough for my liking. An aunt died in July, my step-dad felt another stroke coming on in September (he had one in August 2012 during the time I was being abused, and I had no way of getting back to the UK to see him), and one of my sisters was told in October she needs an operation. Although this year has started off in the wrong direction, due to my being ill, I do hope it will get better. In fact I have to believe it will.

 Anyway, it’s Friday which means I get to have a the rest of the day, plus the weekend to entertain Master Maximus!

Much love to you all. ❤

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The Secret

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I hope the text is illegible.

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Battered Mother Lost Custody to Abusive Spouse

A battered mother lost custody of her kids to an abusive spouse after she refused to participate in court-ordered therapy with her ex-husband who had been convicted on nearly a dozen charges of sexually and physically assaulting her.

Click here to read the article.

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