Abusive Partners Never Want You to Talk

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This is the sad truth.

But in my case, the abuser did not expect me to leave, nor to speak out.

I’ve said this time and time again, I was in an abusive relationship with my son’s father. Determined not to let my son grow up in this awful environment, I left his father when he was just twelve weeks old. No food. No money. No car. Just the clothes on our backs and a few other items.

I have no regrets. I am the one who bears the scars, inside and out. And as painful as they have been and some still are, I prefer to carry every drop of pain instead of my son. No child (or anyone else for that matter) should have to experience such trauma.

Now look at my little Munchkin. A feisty and happy little fellow.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Physical Abuse – Part Two

Blog of a Mad Black Woman

The physical abuse *Steve unleashed upon me was unbearable. I have no idea how I made it through what I did. Although dark skinned, bruises would actually show on me. These are images I took just before I left *Steve in March 2013. The dates on the images cannot be changed.

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On January 29th 2013, I suffered from bruising (although not very clear in this image), where Steve tried to tie me up in front of our six week old son. Trying to leave the mouldy room (see “Back In Georgia, Staying In Marietta“) to get some air, he told me I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. Deciding that going out would actually be the best thing to do, meaning going against what he said, he thought it would be better to pin me down on the bed and try to tie me up.

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On February 9th 2013, on…

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Physical Abuse – Part One

Blog of a Mad Black Woman

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(Please note: I am aware of the fact that women hit/beat men as well. This image is referring to my experiences. It is not my intention to offend any male readers who too, have experienced Domestic Violence).

It’s easier for me to explain these particular ‘events’ in bullet-point form, as there are not any specific dates. Each happened on different occasions, numerous times, and therefore will not be in any particular order. Also, the abuse took place during and after my pregnancy – mainly during my second and third trimester.

I have only picked out five incidences to talk about, as there are too many to list. I suppose these are the ones which stand out… the ones that feel like only happened yesterday.

  • Because I disagreed with him, *Steve tried to suffocate me with a pillow. The first time was in my second trimester. Pinning me down on the…

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History Repeating Itself

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(Top and bottom left – Steve and I. Top and bottom right – Steve and Britney)

Just from this image alone, you can see *Steve has the same pattern with whomever he is with. For those who cannot see the conversations clearly, I will start with the conversation between he and I:

“I was pooping when I made it”

“Wtf man?

“It was like deer poop”

“Ugh. Piss off. You Nasty”

“You love me”

Now for the conversation between Steve and Britney:

“Poop went down, but the bloody paper won’t. (Sorry for the visual image but you asked”

“Lol, you just made my day”

“By telling you that I clogged our toilet with my bloody poop and paper? You are easily amused, sir.”

“Indeed I am ma’am, don’t judge me”

“Never.”

 

There have also been a number of things for which we argued about, but he has done the complete opposite with Britney. And I know why. To try to cover his tracks because he knows I’ve been talking about how badly he has treated me. He wants people to think/say that I’m the crazy one, and that he has never treated Britney this way. This is where the post I reblogged “Will My Ex-Narcissist Treat His New Girlfriend Better?” comes in. The result will be the same, no matter how long it takes. All he’s done, is come in at a different angle.

  • A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as me. I remember seeing a post of hers on Facebook, saying how she could not bend to reach her toe nails because of her baby bump, so her husband cut and painted her nails for her. I showed Steve and told him I though it was really sweet of her husband to do so. His response was that it was “gay”, and that he was not going to do it for me, even though I was pregnant with our child, and I was in pain. I had to struggle to do it myself. However, within days of dating Britney, she posted a picture with a caption stating that her boyfriend was painting her toes.
  • I remember saying to Steve once we had returned from our disastrous trip to New York, and we were back in Georgia, that my hands and nails looked awful. He snapped at me saying “Why are you talking about them?“. I was apparently, not allowed to mention them. He took her to get her nails done though.

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(“Got my nails did. 🙂 thanks, baby! @steve…”)

  • For the the last trimester of my pregnancy, I was wearing broken shoes – the same broken shoes I wore for a month after having my son. Steve refused to get me footwear because he was too busy getting his cigar/cigarette and junk food fix. I even had to use the shoes as slippers in the hospital for the birth of my son. Ten days into their relationship, this was posted, during the time Steve refused to help financially or otherwise with our son:

britney's shoes

(Not my style of footwear, but Britney wrote “My baby got me some new shoes”.)

  • Due an IRS check from 2008-2009, after blatantly stating neither of his children will receive any money from it, he allowed Britney to use some of it for her own purposes.
  • Left the joint bank accounts negative, and told her he has no money because I closed the bank accounts to get her to pay his way. Just like he got her to pay his rent, by telling her that he had paid for Max and I to stay in a hotel when I returned to the US in May 2013 to collect some of my things. It was actually a friend of mine who had put me up in her house, otherwise I would have had to sleep on the streets, as he had lied. He never made the booking. Luckily, I followed my instincts and left my son with my mother in the UK. So even when it comes to his own child, he simply didn’t care.
  • I like to do to Church. Not every week, but I do like to go, especially when I feel like I need a ‘lift’. Church of England which I guess, is a combination of Catholicism and Christianity. However, there were none I could find in Savannah nor Marietta, but I did find Catholic church in both places. I was not allowed to go. And there was nothing I could do, because I got my US driver’s licence just before leaving Savannah, therefore wasn’t able to drive prior. Once we got to Marietta, he wouldn’t allow me to drive the car, even though I paid for it and he would act like it belonged to both of us. In October last year, he went to Church with Britney.
  • Steve took her out to eating establishments and other places I wanted go to, using our joint accounts to pay for them, knowing I was able to see every single transaction. Knowing our son needed food, clothes, diapers/nappies.
  • I managed to find a few things of mine when I went to collect them with the police in May 2013. Of course, there were a few things I couldn’t find because the room they were in was a pig sty, and the things in storage were strewn about the place. There was no order of any sort. I couldn’t find my graduation books, certificate, picture and other pictures, so after explaining this to him, I asked him to send them to my P.O. Box. and gave him the address. His response was that Britney had thrown them away and that he had nothing to do with it.
  • This couple shows their level of irresponsibility by going to the movies, eating out, buying clothes, etc all the time,  whilst he has no idea how his children eat, are clothed, get medication. Same with Britney. Her daughter is not with her.
  • All engagement rings have had the same theme. Three stones, cheap and tacky. Britney and Steve got engaged so she would be distracted to pay his bills, just six weeks after they started dating (seven weeks after they met). He is still legally married to me.

engagement rings

(Above: my so called engagement ring he got for me after he proposed just four weeks into our relationship. Below: Britney’s engagement ring after he proposed to her six weeks into their relationship).

  • Clothes of his I used to wear around the home, army sweaters, pyjama pants/bottoms, she is now wearing the same ones. Only she is boasting that “it’s cold, so she’s wearing his army sweater” for example, then feeding his ego by stating how he served six years in the army and was honorably discharged. I suggest she read this post. Because that is one thing I refused to do, feed that twisted individual. He is going to suck off of her for a very long time…
  • She loves to say “My soldier and I”. Well, he isn’t and pretty much, never was. He was being chaptered from I met him in Germany in 2010, and he never told me until July 2012, after I had moved to the US. When he was transferred to HAAF, Savannah, his chapter re-started in November 2011, yet he sat down with me in December 2011 and told me deceitfully he would re-enlist for another three years as back up, if I were to get pregnant before getting a job. I refused to call him a soldier as I know and still know the truth.
  • He called me at 02:30 am, waking me up, trying to make me jealous by asking me to pray for Britney because she was unwell, not to mention telling me that I should fight for him. I think not!
  • Tried to make out she was suffering from cancer, hence the reason she has a shaved head, because I told him he had always cursed women with shaved heads, because they look like “dudes”. Said to his colleagues he was glad I wore my own hair, as he hated weaves and extensions too. He also preferred long hair.
  • Jointly disliked people – I mean, what the fuck? She can’t think for herself? I guess not. Just like when he cussed out his family, and told me I wasn’t allowed to speak to my own family and friends. The difference is, I didn’t conform because I have a brain. Even with people from his side who wanted to befriend me on Facebook, he told me not to, because they were full of shit, especially from his mother’s side.

There’s much more, and boy do I have a lot to write about. But it will all out. I’ve grouped this lot together, but I will be creating another page called “His Family” as well as posting points one at a time. Now I have my hands on all the materials I need, watch this space.

Oh how the hypocrisy kicks in…

Writing Process Blog Tour

On June 2nd, I was invited to carry the baton of the “Writing Process Blog Tour” by Chris Wilson at Let Me Tell You A Story. Thank you so much. It will be a pleasure to not only carry it, but to pass it on. Chris is a short story and article writer. Why not stop by and take a look?

The questions I’ve been asked are as follows:

1) What am I working on?

Real life Domestic Abuse events (financial, emotional and mental, verbal, physical and more), which were inflicted upon me by my toddler son’s father – my husband. From leaving the UK to relocate to be with him, a then, US soldier, who’s career I went on to save as he was going to be kicked out of the army, to having to return to the UK with my then twelve week old son to get away from him.

2) How does my work differ from others of it’s genre?

I guess writing about Domestic Abuse isn’t so different from others who write about it too, however this is my story, my experiences. Painful, traumatic events. which open wounds which haven’t even had time to heal, wider than ever before as I explain this chapter in my life.

3) Why do I write what I do?

My aim is to let those who are suffering, and to scared to reach out, know that they are not alone. There is hope and they shouldn’t suffer in silence. Once a partner behaves in such a manner, things will never change. It doesn’t matter what type of abuse it is – abuse is abuse. I almost didn’t make it out alive, but for the fact I was pregnant, therefore, had to fight for my unborn, then later on, born son. It is imperative that abusive relationships are not given chance after chance as things will not end well. Also, if children are involved, like in my situation, it really is not a good idea to have children grow up in this environment, for they too, will grow up thinking this sort of behaviour is normal, and continue the cycle of abuse.

If my blog manages to save one person, it’s better than not saving any at all.

It is also a healing process for me.

4) How does my writing process work?

I write from the heart. My blog isn’t about trying to write professionally, it’s purely about getting my experiences across to those who need it, and to those who want to know more about the early warning signs. I don’t write anything down before hand. I just grab my laptop and start typing. Everything is stored in my head, and many events still feel like they happened just yesterday, even though I got away from my abuser almost fifteen months ago (and counting).

I will be passing the baton onto the following two bloggers:

  1. Amy Thomson at Picking Up The Pieces – This wonderful woman has too, experienced traumatic Domestic Abuse. A beautiful person, inside and out, she got away from her abuser just three months before I did.
  2. Teela Hart at Surviving Domestic Violence – Having being in a violent relationship for over nineteen years, this courageous woman’s heart has not hardened.

Both have been there for me, and have been a pillar of strength (as well as others), for which I truly am grateful for. Whether you have been in an abusive relationship or not, I think you will find that both blogs are worth following. They may help you to save a life one day.

Much love. ❤